I'm in the studio right now. I came here as soon as I finished my radio shit up 'n' unlocked the place from where we closed up a few hours ago. It's real, real quiet 'n' pretty dark since everythin's shut down, off, 'n' everybody but me has gone home. Or wherever they went. There's nothin'-ta do here really but I ain't sure where I'm supposed-ta be right now. I could be a million places right now, any number. I coulda went anywhere 'n' been wit' more than-a couple people. Instead, I'm here. The TV in the lounge room glowin' is the only light on. The couch in here is orange. Orange. I don't know who has-a orange couch. Everytime I see anybody on Cribs their couch is either white or black. No middle ground. Although I don't know who the fuck actually sits on-a white couch. I could just look at-a white couch 'n' it'd be dirty. Black's different, but most-a the black ends up bein' leather 'n' you don't sit on leather couches either. Orange reminds me-a muppets or sump'thin. Like somebody murdered a muppet 'n' now I'm sittin' on it. Which fits, for some reason.
I got no drink in my hand. No drugs. I don't even got my cell phone. I think I left it in the car, it's prolly there right now on the seat. Maybe somebody'll break in 'n' steal it. Hack in-ta it. 'n' half-a you will be gettin' some calls from whoever it is. Tellin' you Happy New Year here in 'bout an hour. There's no one-ta my left, or-ta the right. I've locked myself in. I can see the actual studio a little from where I'm sittin', even though it's all dark there's still some shit glarin' off the glass in there. If whoever steals my cell phone wants-ta break in 'n' knock me out, now would be-a good time-ta do it 'cause I wouldn't suspect none-a it.
I coulda been just 'bout anywhere 'n' it wasn't that I didn't wanna be. I pictured myself goin'-ta some-a the places. Nothin' felt right. Not even one-a them that woulda made the most sense. I ain't sure where I fit at anymore. 'n' when you reach the point where you can't move forward or backward or even stand still, you gotta hit pause 'n' lock yourself in 'til you know where you're goin' 'gain. Either that or dig yourself-a hole 'n' never decide one way or another.
This, by far, has been the most clear 'n' unclear year-a my life. Clear 'cause it's the first time I can say wit' honesty that I remember sump'thin 'bout every single month. Unclear 'cause it was-a real messy year. I wouldn't say it's the worst year-a my life, but it's been pretty close for a couple reasons. It's been a lot-ta work through. So much shit happened, 'n' yet I do feel like I been paused the whole year. Like I been sittin' down here this whole time 'n' watchin' people go on wit'-out me, continuin'-ta move forward 'n' develop things in their lives 'n' I just stayed the same place I was 'n' watched. I had people try 'n' pry me out, try 'n' help me move along 'n' come wit' 'em. But I wasn't ready-ta go. I was the guy standin' still on the street while everyone else was drivin' past 'n' movin' 'round me in blur. I saw some-a it but I missed most-a it. I lost her, I got married, I lost a life-long friend, I lost friends, I lost girlfriends, I fucked up, I lost myself, I fucked up some more, I got divorced, I lost more friends, I lost more girlfriends, I fucked up five or ten more times. 'n' somewhere in all that shit, it brought me here where I'm sittin'. I ain't alone. I got some. Just less. That happens. I'm still here. Whatever that makes me, let the timeline speak for itself or drawn on your own assumptions for that shit.
'n' I gotta be honest, I kinda expected-ta be where I'm at right now after how this year has been. It was kinda how it was just destined-ta end up. It's the reason I couldn't see myself no where else tonight, at an hour 'fore the ball's gonna drop. Mentally, I wouldn't be any place else anyways but right here. Re-hashin' out the whole year. Not movin'. Watchin' Three 6 Mafia on the TV. Tryin'-ta work it out. Tryin'-ta get it together. I'll sleep here, on this muppet couch. I'll unlock the doors too early tomorrow 'n' go outside-ta breathe. 'n' let people back in.
I told one-a my best friend's last year that I hoped 2006 was the year I finally got my head together. Clearly that shit didn't happen.
But here's-ta 2007.